2000: He is reborn
by Maliya Wong
Summary: AU. Jesus is reborn again in the year 2000 and makes friends and enemies along the way. implied m/m
1. To Bethlehem

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Bible or any of it's characters._

_Note: I posted this story before under the name_ **Jesus Christ: Son of God or another curst angel?**_ , and now I'm re-posting it. All information in this fic is most likely incorrect. But that's why it's called fiction, hahaha. Most people will find this story offending, but for the sake of art, I'll post it anyway. It's called freedom of speech. Flame ahead. I've grown from last time._

_Very important for you all to know. This fic was not made with the intention to solely bash Christianity. The story actually has a PLOT and some WISE LESSONS, if one is open enough to look past the jokes and read between the lines._

_**Warning:** Parody of Jesus life. Insanity ensues. _

_PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!_

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"Faster!"

Mary and Joseph raced through the streets as if the Devil himself was chasing after them. Sirens made loud noises and red and blue lights flashed. They were in big trouble. The police was chasing after them and they weren't happy.

"Hurry or we'll miss the plane to Bethlehem."

The police were catching up with the couple.

Why were they chasing after them? The answer of this question was simple. Mary and Joseph had been caught with some coke in their pockets. The two of them had been in the drugs business for awhile and this time they've finally been caught.

Bethlehem. Why of all places did they choose to go to Bethlehem? Because, the police of Israel did not have the guts to go inside Bethlehem. The Palestinians had taken over that place and they had placed bombs in the whole area. Israel and the Palestinians talked exclusively of war these day. But it was the year 2000. (1) And people believed that this year would be the year when the world would change. The year when paradise would arise.

Faster. The two were almost at the airport…

"Ouch!" Mary winced.

"What is it, Mary?" Joseph asked irritated.

"The baby is kicking me!"

Mary was pregnant and time was running out on her.

Joseph rolled his eyes in frustration, grabbed Mary's arm and yanked the pregnant woman with him. "No time for the baby now. RUN!"

"HEY, STOP THAT PLANE!"

_In the plane._

"God, we made it!" Joseph said, while wiping the sweat off of his forehead.

"That's it!" Mary screamed and in her anger she slammed her fist on Joseph's head.

"Oww!" Joseph winced. His right hand came up to rub the abused spot.

"I'm out of the drugs business," Mary stated. She crossed her arms over her chest in a manner that did not tolerate any objection.

Joseph stared at Mary, his mouth hanging open from disbelieve. "Just like this?"

"Yes, just like this."

Joseph bit his bottom lip, while thinking over Mary's words. He came to only one conclusion. It had to be one of Mary's moods. After all, she was pregnant. Yep, that just had to be it.

"All right," Joseph said, "how about we join Al-Qaeda?"

Mary felt like banging her head against the chair in front of her.

_(1) It's not the year 2000, but you'll just have to deal with that, lol._

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_STAY TUNED..._


	2. There was no place

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Bible or any of it's characters. Or else Hell would've been on Earth. However, All the poetry in this fic is made by SonnyGoten. All rights reserved, lol._

_**Warning:** Mary and Joseph are insane in this fic. Bad language. Don't read when you feel like fainting afterwards._

_PLEASE READ AND REVIEW.

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_In Bethlehem._

"Woohooo!" Joseph shouted out. "We finally made it!" Like a little child he made a victory dance on the spot. But the joy did not last long. Suddenly, Mary got trouble.

"Oww!" Mary grimaced. "Joseph," she moaned. "I think the baby is coming."

"Yeah yeah, whatever," Joseph said, ignoring her cries for help. "Wooho- SAY WHAT!" Finally the information seemed to have reached Joseph's non-existent brains. His eyes widened.

Mary twitched. She took a deep breath…

"I SAID THE BABY'S COMING, YOU IDIOT!"

An angel appeared and offered Mary a frying pan. The pregnant woman took it and she used full force to slam the object against Joseph's head.

"Owww!" Joseph cried out in pain when the pan connected with his head. He brought his hand to his head. "That really hurts." Poor man. It couldn't be easy for him, to deal with Mary and her big mood swings.

But now that they were in Bethlehem, they had to find a place for Mary to bring her child on the world. They tried many hospitals, but they were either blown up by the Palestinians or full of victims from blown up buildings. There was no place for Joseph, Mary and the unborn child.

_There's no place for them._

_No place for them in Bethlehem._

_No place to bring a child on Earth._

_No place to give birth._

They went to many hotels, but those were full due to Christmas. They went to regular families, but all thought that Joseph and Mary were Palestinians. And besides that, they didn't have Christmas-cookies for the pair either.

Eventually the two had reached the ghettos.

_And the Christmas-kid._

_Will be born in a place like shit._

"Joseph, the baby can't be born here. Our boss-"

"Ex-boss." Joseph reminded Mary.

"Ex-boss - whatever you want," Mary rolled her eyes. "He said our baby would follow him and become the King of the drugs industry. This is no place for a future King."

"Yeah, I know that bullshit but I don't give a damn," Joseph said. He shrugged. "It's not my baby, anyway."

Mary twitched. She felt her rage rise. She exploded. "Well, you told me to screw our boss for extra money, Joseph! You're such an ASS!"

Joseph sighed, not interested in the least. "Well, at least we've got what we wanted," he said. "I've got the money and your son will become Son of the Drugs God."

"You're still an ass," Mary pouted. She mused for a moment. "But I thought that guy with those wings is a strange one. I've met him before and he told me to call the baby Jesus and-"

Mary was cut off.

"YOU'VE SCREWED ANOTHER?"

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_STAY TUNED..._


	3. Three and three

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Bible or any of it's characters. If I did, Hell would be on Earth right now. I do own the song that the angel-kids sing. All rights reserved._

_**Warning:** Mild bad language. _Probably offensive.

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Eventually Mary and Joseph did find a place to spend their night. It was a small room filled with dirt. Cockroaches, rats and other filthy creatures dominated the place. And yet, between all the dirt there was still something clean. Something of pure white…

The building had been abandoned for years and there was no electricity. No light, except for a neon-lighted star that was hanging above the front door of the building and miraculously still worked. But there was no heat and it was a cold winter night. The two were freezing.

"Joseph, this is all your fault!" Mary yelled. She had a painful time, because her baby was about to make its first entrance in this world. But Joseph wouldn't understand that. Men will never know the pain of a woman.

"Will you just shut up and PUSH!" Joseph yelled. He was getting annoyed - like any man in his position would be. After all, this wasn't his child.

Mary pushed. Tears sprang in her eyes from pain and she screamed at the top of her lungs. Just one more time…

_Somewhere near the building_

Three tramps strolled over the quiet streets, when they suddenly heard a group of small children dressed up as lovely little angels sing:

(This song is edited out as it has been published as part of the epistolary novella '**Letters to an Imaginary Friend**' under the pen name _SonnyGoten_.)

The song was breathtaking and even in their situation the tramps were able to cheer up a little. Suddenly, one of the tramps blinked. Something had had triggered in his mind. Seek for him? Then he remembered. "Hey, we were supposed to look for our little Fluffyball!"

A little pissed off, the other tramp frowned. "I am hungry and tired," he complained. "I don't want to look for that stupid dog anymore."

That comment didn't fall into its right place. The third tramp snapped. "He is not stupid!" he yelled. "Fluffyball was the cutest dog in the whole world!"

The second tramp snorted. "I don't care," he said in a final tone. "I wanna sleep! Now let's go."

He obviously was the leader, because the first tramp began nodding fervently. The third one pouted for few moments - he wanted his dog back - but finally he gave in as well. Slowly they searched through the city, looking for shelter, a warm place to sleep, when suddenly they heard something scream as if hell had been brought to Earth. The three of them turned their head to east, where the sound came from.

"O no, it's Fluffyball!" the third yelled, obviously worried.

"IT'S NOT FROM A DOG," the second screamed getting thoroughly annoyed. A vein popped out of his head.

As the first tramp observed the scene displayed before him, he started to feel a little uncomfortable. Why were his companions such idiots? "Uh, guys?" he started. "The sound is coming from that building," he said, while pointing at a deserted building with a neon-lighted star hanging above it.

"Well let's go!" the third said, already sprinting to the building.

The second grumping something, obviously not happy about all this, gave in.

_Somewhere else near the building_

Three prostitutes were sneaking around near a deserted building with a neon-lighted star hanging above it. The three were looking for their friend, who had been missing for quite some time, when they suddenly heard a loud shriek.

"Oh no!" one shrieked in panic. "What if it's Anna!"

"It couldn't be, could it?" the other said doubtfully. "I mean, it's Christmas-night, for heavens sake!"

"Let's check it out!" the third decided. They went to the east, to the building that used to be deserted.

_Back to the building_

And so the three and the other three went and they found Joseph and Mary.

The eyes of the third tramp drifted off to the spot next to Mary and his eyes started to sparkle with happiness. Next to Mary lay a snow-white dog. How in the world could a tramp - who never in his entire life had heard of taking a bath - have a dog that was snow-white? Even the almighty God had no logical explanation to that mystery. The only answer one could provide was, that it was a miracle. And in the year of 2000 on the darkest Christmas-night of all, miracles were bound to happen.

"FLUFFYBALL!"

The dog barked and wiggled his tail. He jumped up to the three tramps and... did his business on the second one.

The already grumpy tramp screamed in terror. "Alright," he yelled. "I'm gonna kill ya! You stupid _(edited)_ dog!"

The three prostitutes blinked at the choice of colourful language. Then slowly their faces heated up and started to glow red from anger. Three angels appeared all with a frying pan in their hands. The three prostitutes took their gift gracefully and used the holy pans to smack the poor man senseless with it.

"How can you say such words in front of a just born baby!"

"You are a bad example!"

"You will never get children."

And so on and so forth. Joseph started to feel a little awkward in the company of the women. He understood what the tramp was going through and he felt sorry for the guy. The world was tough for men, no woman would understand. (1)

Eventually, they stopped hitting the poor man.

"So you have a baby, huh?" the first prostitute stated.

"Well…" the second said, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Your kid needs a present," she continued, "because it's Christmas." Her companions nodded in silent agreement. The woman reached into her pocket. "Here, a condom," she offered. "It's all I have."

The other two prostitutes thought for a moment, but then they too gave their presents. The first had earned some money and gave the child 10 dollars. It was not much, but Mary was happy with it. She thought it was generous of the woman. After all, the woman was not rich, and she had to live on what the little money she could make. The third rummaged around in her pockets and eventually found lubrication. She shrugged and offered it to the child.

"So," the third tramp asked. "Shouldn't we give the kid something?"

The second one snorted. "I don't have anything for that stupid little brat," he said annoyed.

It wasn't a smart comment. As Mary flashed a glare at the man her eyes sparkled evilly.

The first joined the third. "You're right," he agreed. "We should give the kid something." He looked a little troubled. "But… we don't have anything." He thought for a moment and then he got a little idea. His eyes traced over Fluffyball suspiciously.

It took a few moments, but then third tramp noticed this. "No please!" he wailed. "Not my Fluffyball!"

"Fluffyball is all we've got," the first stated. "It is Christmas right?" he raised an expectant eyebrow.

The third sniffled, he didn't want to lose his pet.

"Come on…" the first gently urged. Finally the other man gave in and nodded.

The first tramp turned his attention to the baby. "So," he said to the child. "Fluffyball is for you now, err..." He thought for a moment and then turned his head to Mary. "Say girl," he asked. "What's his name anyway?"

"Jesus, like the man with those funny wings told me to call him," was Mary's answer.

The three and the other three mulled over the answer, taking their time to let it sink in to them. And then they all burst out laughing loudly.

"Oh my god, she's calling him Jesus!"

"Oh, that's so funny, my belly can't take this!"

"Too much, too funny!"

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_STAY TUNED…_


	4. In the Temple of Jerusalem

_**Disclaimer:** Thank your Lord, for I don't own the bible._

_Note: Information provided in this story is most likely incorrect. Don't believe it, unless you're stupid. Don't get mad over the incorrectness of the story, it's called fiction._

_**WARNING:** Don't read if you'll feel offended afterwards._

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Finally, after two thousand years, our favourite hero was reborn, and named Jesus. He was taken good care of by Joseph and Mary. He grew up and made friends and eventually he reached the age of twelve.

"Jesus, get back here right now!" Mary yelled.

Like it was for every other Jew who had reached the age of twelve, it was expected of Jesus to visit the holy Temple of God, located in Jerusalem. It had been a tradition for centuries, and the Jews were not about to give up this tradition. But the strange thing of this scenario was, that Mary and Joseph were atheists. The question arose: why did they want to bring Jesus to a temple?

Jesus sighed, feeling truly embarrassed. His friend giggled. "You know, it's really funny, the way your mom always says the word 'Jesus'."

"I know, I know," Jesus said and rolled his eyes. "She says it at least one hundred times a day. I don't even know what my own name is, because of this." Jesus shook his head, feeling a little sad about the fact that he didn't know his own name. What he didn't know was, that his name actually was Jesus.

"Jesus, come back now! Nazareth is a good deal away from Jerusalem!"

A little while after Jesus had been born, Joseph and Mary had decided to go back to their hometown Nazareth. At that time, the police had stopped chasing after them. They had other more important things to do, like keeping peace in Bethlehem.

The terrorists - as the Israelis had labelled all Palestinians in that area - had been blown up with help of the Americans. Five thousand deaths, but no one cared. After all, they'd gotten rid of the terrorists. Peace, however, was not to be found in Bethlehem. Five days earlier three airplanes had crashed in the city, send by none other than Bin Laden. He had claimed to free the world of the filthy Jews who, in his eyes, were the dogs of the West. The world had declared Bin Laden nuts.

Eventually the trio reached the Temple of Jerusalem. Jesus' eyes grew wide of fascination. He had never seen such a beautiful and nice place before. The enormous building overwhelmed him.

As happens with little boys, Jesus started wandering around in the temple, which caused Joseph and Mary to lose him out of sight. He never noticed he got lost. He soon met two overly-conservative Christian priests. What the two were doing in a Jewish temple, was something no one would know.

"The world is about to end," one priest said, "more and more countries accept homosexual marriage."

"Yes," the other said, nodding his head and agreeing wholeheartedly. "I wouldn't be surprised if soon Israel is going make it legal as well."

Jesus overheard their conversation and decided to interrupt them. "Why is the homosexual marriage so bad?" he asked curiously.

"Because, it's sinful," the first said.

Jesus frowned, disappointed about the easy answer. He had expected to hear firm arguments behind the claims. But he decided to continue. "Why is it sinful?"

The second laughed. "Young man, everyone knows homosexuality is a sin. It's written in the Bible."

Jesus faked surprise. He had expected such an answer from the two men. "But then humans can fly too, right? If you believe in old laws written in stories of books like the Bible, then it's only expected if you also believe in the rules of tales like Peter Pan, unless you're a hypocrite. And in the story of Peter Pan it's clearly stated that people can fly if they think happy thoughts."

That made the two men angry. They were not pleased. Not pleased at all to hear such an insult from Jesus. "You…" one of the men started. Jesus stuck his tongue out. "You little brat!"

'Perhaps the tongue was too much…' thought Jesus. He grinned nervously as the two men advanced on him, completely pissed off. He could have sworn that steam had started to arise from the men's ears, but he did not wait to see. He ran away as fast as he could. And then he bumped into someone.

"What is it, honey?" Mary asked worriedly.

'I'm saved!' thought Jesus. He plastered his most adorable look on his face. "Mommy," said Jesus in all his innocence. "Those guys were bullying me." He pointed towards the two men that were chasing after him.

The two stopped dead in their tracks as they saw the look on Mary's face. They swallowed hard, both thinking: 'Oh no… we messed with the wrong kid.'

Cries of help filled the temple.

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_THANK YOU FOR READING. PLEASE STAY TUNED…_


	5. Of swines and men

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Bible. If it had been, it would have been your worst nightmare. _

_**Warning:** Joseph-abuse. Probably blasphemous.

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_

A few months had past after the incident in Jerusalem. No one had ever heard of the two priests again. Rumours had started to arise, saying that the two had left Christianity for Buddhism, and had reached Nirvana in record-time.

Today our little hero and his parents had decided to go on vacation. Well… Mary had decided to go on vacation.

"I want vacation right now!" screamed Mary. "I'm sick of this place." She threw her holy frying pan at Joseph, aiming for his head.

Hit.

Joseph cried out in pain, before everything turned dark before his eyes. Knock out.

Jesus giggled. "Okay, calm down mom," he said. "Let's pack our stuff and go while dad is out. That way, he won't notice, until we're already on the plane."

Mary gave her precious son a fond look. "Awww..." she said. "My sweet little baby, always thinking about his mommy." She hugged her son tightly.

She never realised how Jesus started to choke and how his face turned red like a tomato. Poor Jesus, being Mary's son was not easy, for Mary never knew her strength. Finally, Mary let Jesus go. Jesus, being thankful of his mother for letting him go, gulped as much air in as he could.

_On the plane _

"Mom, are you sure you want to go to the Netherlands?" asked Jesus, while making a face. He really didn't want to go to that country. (1)

"Of course sweetheart," said Mary, while rummaging in her bag. "I heard people can buy tons of heroine there for a fair prize, and they don't even have to go to jail!"

The Netherlands. Tulips, cheese, bicycles and legal drugs. A paradise for every junk. However, if Mary thought she would be able to get heroine there, she was sorely mistaken.

Jesus sighed shaking his head. "But mom," he begged. "It's rainy there and the food sucks."

Silence. No answer.

"Please?" he asked again. He tried his most adorable look, using big watery puppy eyes. Still, Mary would not answer.

He tried and tried, but it didn't work. Jesus gave a loud sigh and frowned, pouting and turning himself away to look out of the window. 'Mom…' he thought and shook his head. 'You're such a hopeless case.'

Mary never noticed her son being mad at her, for not giving him the attention that he wanted. She was to busy applying her make-up on her face.

_In the Netherlands _

With a happy smile on her face Mary stepped inside a coffee shop. Finally, she was able to get her hands on some drugs, and she couldn't wait until she had some in her possession. Unfortunately, what she thought to be a coffee shop, was not one. Because, in all reality, it was a church. How Mary could have ever thought it to be a coffee shop, was beyond human knowledge to understand.

"Honey," she asked her son. "Do you think this is the right place?"

"Huh, what?" Jesus looked up from his heavy task. The task? Dragging his still passed out ten ton father with him and trying to keep up with Mary's hyper fast pace. He was getting pretty tired of it. Rolling his eyes he answered: "I wouldn't know, mom." He dumped his father on one of the seats inside the so-called coffee shop and then let himself down on one next to him, sighing heavily.

He listened to the minister, who was standing in front of the crowd seated in the church and telling a story from the Bible about two possessed men.

_"And so Jesus saw the two possessed men and He walked over to them. The demons inside the two men spoke: 'Please let us go inside those swines over there.' _

_And Jesus said: 'Go.' _

_And they went and the two men were healed." _

A little smirk crept up Jesus' face. This was an opportunity for fun. He'd show that minister a piece of his mind. And so he stood up and began to speak. "Sir, why would Jesus let the demons into the swines?" he asked.

The minister quirked an eyebrow. "To heal the two men of course, young boy."

"Oh," said Jesus. He plastered and innocent look on his face. "But what about all these swines that died after they were possessed by the demons? Aren't those swines living creatures just like us?"

"Oh well," said the minister and he shrugged. "They're just animals. They don't have souls inside them."

Jesus frowned slightly. This answer was even worse than he had expected. He quickly regained that innocent look on his face as he continued to question the minister. "Sir? You cut open those swines to check if they had souls?" He let his bottom lip quiver. "You killed those innocent swines, just to see if they had souls?" His eyes became watery, on the verge of fake-tears.

The minister was about to answer, when several children in the church actually burst into tears crying loudly, wailing about the poor innocent swines through their hiccupping. Inwardly, Jesus grinned. 'I won,' he thought.

"Damn it!" was suddenly heard throughout the whole church. Mary. She stormed towards her son. "Come on Jesus, there's not even an ounce of drugs in this whole cursed place."

Jesus sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yes mom," he replied. He turned to grab his father, dragging the still unconscious man with him and trying to keep up with his mother's pace.

_(1) I'm from the Netherlands. It's a fine country, but the weather is awful.

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_STAY TUNED..._


	6. Crossover

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Bible. Jesus and Mohammed own themselves. All content in the story that is not owned by me, is owned by someone else, which is quite logical, but I'll say it anyway, for the slow ones among us._

_Note: This chapter is not based on the Bible like the other ones were. I made up everything myself. It's a crossover between Christianity and Islam in this chapter, where Jesus meets Mohammed.

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_PLEASE READ AND REVIEW._

After spending his worst vacation ever in the Netherlands, Jesus went to school. He was really nervous, of course. After all, it was his first year in this new school and he didn't know whether the other kids would be nice to him, like the children on his last school.

Jesus stared at his timetable while he strolled through the halls. He cursed inside himself for being late. Soon enough, Jesus found the classroom that he was looking for. He felt awkward, being almost sure that everyone would make fun of him.

'Welcome to Hell…' he thought as he opened the door.

Fourteen pair of eyes stared at him when he opened the door. Before the blackboard that was placed in front of the room, stood his teacher, who gave him an annoyed look. The other pupils gave him the queer look.

His teacher cleared his throat and feigned enthusiasm. "Come in, boy!" he said. "Why don't you introduce yourself to us?"

"Uhm…" Jesus didn't know what to say; because he didn't know his name. In his mind, he never had a name. "Uh… I can't, I uhm…" Jesus trailed off.

"Well, why not? Of course you can!" the teacher insisted.

"But I -"

The teacher quickly cut him off: "Jesus, hurry up! We don't have all day."

Jesus blinked. A teacher using the word 'Jesus' in a rude manner? Well, that was something new. Silently, Jesus hoped the world wouldn't end.

"Uhm well..." He started. He looked around nervously. "I am, uh… I am… TWELVE!!! And I was born in Bethlehem, but my parents moved here, because they thought there was too much police in Bethlehem." Having said those words, Jesus quickly went to an empty table and sat down.

The teacher blinked at the strange introduction that Jesus gave, but then he shrugged and continued his lessons.

'Oh, thank God,' thought Jesus and he released a sigh of relieve.

_During lunch break_

Kids were running around outside. Life was fun, especially when one had a short break. Jesus sat down on the soft grass underneath a tree and sighed. In his opinion school was the most boring place ever, apart from the Netherlands.

He was about to eat his lunch when he heard a loud cry. He blinked and looked up. A group of kids were cornering a boy. Jesus blinked and went over to see what exactly was going on.

In the middle of the group two big boys were kicking Mohammed's sides, making Jesus' eyes grow wide in shock. He had to help that poor boy! "Hey you guys, get away from him!" yelled Jesus. The two boys looked up.

"Fuck off, this is none of your business, shorty!"

Jesus blinked at that statement and considered what they said. The two were right; he was no match to them. But he couldn't just stand there either. He could not watch Mohammed getting beaten up, while doing nothing!

Another loud cry tore Jesus from his thoughts. Tears ran down Mohammed's eyes and Jesus knew he couldn't wait any longer. He had to act now! He quickly started rummaging in his pockets for the money Mary had given him this week.

"Guys," Jesus called out, trying to get the attention of the bullies. "Sixty dollars here! Do you want it?" He waved with the money in his hand, seducing the big guys. "You can buy something fun with it..." he tried. "Maybe something for your girlfriend?"

Jesus saw their faces change. He had them. "Leave him alone first." Jesus pointed at Mohammed.

The two nodded and went over to Jesus. "Hand over the money, kid." Jesus nodded and gave them what they wanted.

They left, leaving Mohammed alone, who was crying in silence. Jesus sighed and shook his head in pity. Slowly he went over to Mohammed. "Are you okay?" he asked, while helping the boy sit up.

No answer. The boy was silent as the tears flowed freely down his cheeks, his unfocused eyes staring off into space. Jesus tried a little smile to cheer Mohammed up as he reached out to hold Mohammed's face between his hands.

"Why did they hurt you?" he asked.

Mohammed sniffled and looked up into Jesus' eyes. "I saw Gabriel," he said.

Though he didn't know exactly what Mohammed had meant by that, Jesus nodded. He didn't need to know. He only needed to comfort this boy and be his friend. His thumbs moved to wipe away the tears from Mohammed's eyes. Then he bent over and kissed the boy. He wrapped his arms around the boy and held him tight, rocking him back and forth, and whispering comforting words in his ear.

_Back at home_

The first thing Mary asked when Jesus stepped through the front door was: "How has your day been, sweetheart?"

"Fine mom," was Jesus' short answer. He was already on his way to his room, but Mary grabbed his arm to stop him. She glared at her son, letting him know that his lack of response was absolutely unacceptable.

"You don't like talking with your mommy?" she asked innocently as she let Jesus go and hid her hands suspiciously behind her back.

The sight made Jesus swallow back a lump forming in his throat. This didn't look good. This certainly didn't look good. He was going to face the infamous frying pan!

He instantly dropped his initial idea of going to his room. "I love talking with you, mom!" he said and beamed at her.

"Good," said Mary and then she fired her second question of the day. "Have you made any friends today?"

"Yes mom."

Her third question. "Did you pay attention when you were on school?"

"Yes mom."

And her fourth question. "Have you done your homework yet?"

"Yes mom."

And so on, and so forth. Poor Jesus, this was going to take all night...

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_STAY TUNED…_


	7. Nazareth's Lake

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Bible or any of it's characters. Jesus and Mohammed own themselves, even though they're both dead._

_Note: Mohammed gets to play a part again._

_**WARNING:** Implied SLASH, suggestive homosexuality. (I can't help myself, because I'm a SLASH-writer. Lol.)_

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Jesus and Mohammed became good friends. During the lunch breaks they would always sit together and fool around with each other. They would talk for hours with each other during the lessons, until one got send to the principle.

Eventually Sunday came around the corner. The two had decided to play with each other near a beautiful lake and so now Jesus thought it was time to ask his mother for permission.

"Mom," begged Jesus. "Can I please go to Nazareth's Lake?" He tried supporting himself with cute, watery puppy-eyes.

"No Jesus," replied Mary. "You have to do your homework first." She didn't look up from the newspaper she was reading, so the puppy-eyes had no effect on her.

"But mom, I'm already done!" protested Jesus. "And I've got straight A's on every subject."

Mary still didn't look up from her newspaper. "No Jesus, and that's final."

Jesus stomped away angrily, with a cute pout on his face, all the way cursing silently. And as all kids do, he went to his father, Joseph.

"Dad, can I please go to Nazareth's Lake?" he asked.

"No Jesus," was Joseph's answer. "I know your mom refused to let you go, so I'm telling you the same the same thing. You can't go."

A frown tried to make its way to Jesus' face, but he quickly replaced that look with his irresistible, famous puppy-eyes. "Please???"

Joseph backed away in horror. "No. Must. Resist. Evil. Cute. Puppy-eyes…"

He struggled.

"Argh…! Fine. Okay. You can go!"

He failed.

Jesus jumped up happily. "Yay! Thanks a million, dad."

_At Nazareth's Lake_

"You've got everything with ya, Twelve Boy?"

"Sure thing, Mohammed. And stop calling me 'Twelve Boy', okay?" Jesus was a bit annoyed by the constant 'Twelve Boy' from his friend.

Mohammed raised an eyebrow. "How am I supposed to call you then? It's not like you've got a name," he pointed out.

Jesus opened his mouth to protest, but then closed it again, when he realised that his friend was right.

"So cutie," Mohammed continued. "Where're the cookies then?"

Jesus blinked. "Cutie?"

Mohammed looked at him with a weird smile plastered on his face. "You didn't want me to call you 'Twelve Boy', so I call you 'cutie'. He gave Jesus a wink, making the other boy blush heavily, completely embarrassed.

'Is he flirting with me?' Jesus wondered, but he immediately shook his head, ridding himself from that thought. He plastered a frown on his face. "But cutie is girly!" he protested. "I'd rather have you sticking to Twelve Boy."

Mohammed smirked and casually slipped an arm around his best friend's waist, pulling Jesus close to himself.

"Before we continue that part, something needs to be revealed," said the authoress, who appeared from from out of no where, stopping the stoy."I bet everyone had that particular question running through their mind. WHY DID JESUS BRING COOKIES TO NAZARETH'S LAKE? Were the two friends going to feed the fishes? Were our favourite heroes going on a journey and had they brought the cookies to leave a trail behind in case they would get lost? What could it have been? What was the mystery behind those cookies? No, it was none of the things I've mentioned before. But then, what was it? The answer is simple. The two were having a picnic. Of course, I'm positive that all of you must be pretty pissed off by now, since I pulled you out of the story, right when it was getting interesting. Please do not throw any tomatoes at me. Okay, let's continue the story." The authoress disappeared again, as rotten eggs and tomatoes went flying in her direction.

Mohammed smirked and casually slipped an arm around his best friend's waist, pulling Jesus close to himself. He leaned into the other boy and whispered teasingly in his ear: "Aw c'mon, cutie suits you much better."

Jesus' face turned beet red as he tugged at his shirt uncomfortably. He felt his heart racing in his chest and his hands were sweating. He had no idea what was going on at the moment, but he did know that he really didn't want to see his friend in this particular state. He quickly turned his head away.

Mohammed's smirk widened, when he noticed that he was making his friend extremely nervous. He slowly leaned into Jesus…

Jesus shrieked and jumped into the air, the moment his friend blew into his ear. He landed ungracefully on his butt and glared at Mohammed who had burst out into a fit of giggles.

"Oh, ha ha. Very funny," he grumbled.

Mohammed stuck his tongue out. Jesus got up and gave his friend a push. Mohammed, falling backwards, grasped the front of his friend's shirt, pulling Jesus to the ground with him. Thus a wrestle match began.

Eventually Jesus pinned his best friend's arms down, sitting himself on Mohammed's lap. His friend tried to struggle out of Jesus' grasp but failed. He had no energy left to throw the other boy off him.

"Ha, give up?" demanded Jesus in a cocky tone.

Mohammed panted heavily for air underneath him, unable to speak yet. He nodded his head in defeat.

Jesus got off Mohammed and grabbed his bag. He tossed it to his friend. "Here you go. The cookies are inside."

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_THANK YOU FOR READING. PLEASE STAY TUNED…_


	8. A union of Three

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own the Bible or any of it's characters. Jesus, Siddhartha and Mohammed own themselves, even though they're all dead._

_Note: Sorry for the very late update, I've been busy with other projects. This is a crossover with Buddhism, because I'm throwing in Siddhartha. I promise the next chapter will be more based on the Bible again._

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"Hmm… cookies!!!" Mohammed took one from the bag that Jesus had brought and happily started munching on it. "I love these! Where do you get them from?" 

Jesus shrugged. "My mom made them." He gave Mohammed an annoyed look. "Will you leave me something too? You'll get fat if you continue on like this."

Mohammed merely rolled his eyes. "I'm not fat, I'm skinny and you know it."

"Whatever," said Jesus. "Just leave me something too okay?" He stared at Mohammed for a moment, wondering how his friend could eat so much without gaining weight at all, but then dismissed the thought. "Mo, did you get the candy?"

"Yeah, it's in the bag I brought with me," Mohammed replied and he pointed with his thumb behind him.

But when Jesus looked behind Mohammed, his face instantly paled. "Mo…," he whispered as he crept up to Mohammed to hide behind his friend's form. Mohammed raised an eyebrow and turned around to see what had caused his friend to behave this oddly.

"What in…!" Mohammed trailed off, staring with disbelieve at an older boy, dressed in rags, who had the bag of candy in his hands. The boy looked up from the bag and turned his head to meet Mohammed's gaze. Mohammed quickly cast his eyes downward.

Slowly the boy walked up to the two friends. "Uhm…" the boy waved with the bag. "This must be yours right?" Silently Mohammed nodded, still not looking upwards. He had seen lots of beggars before, but he had never actually come into contact with one.

The boy reached out his empty hand, his other one still holding on to the bag. "I'm Siddhartha, nice to meet you." When the two friends didn't respond, Siddhartha dropped his hand. "I'm sorry for taking your bag, but I was very hungry." As he said that he tossed the bag onto the ground, next to Jesus, who flinched a little.

Siddhartha gave a sigh and ran his hands through his messy hair. "I won't hurt you guys, you know," he mumbled and he started to walk away.

He didn't know why he cared for Siddhartha, but quickly Jesus stood up and called him back. "Wait Siddhartha!" he yelled. The boy stopped in his tracks and turned around with a smile plastered onto his face. "Uhm…" Still a little uncomfortable with the situation, Jesus coughed a few times. "Ehh… You can join our picnic," he finally finished.

The words had hardly come out of his mouth, but Siddhartha already joined them on the grass. Soon enough the three had overcome their differences and had started chatting with one another.

"So," Sidhartha said. "You two picnic here often? Are you guys best friends?"

Jesus started to nod, but he stopped when he heard Mohammed answer: "No." He blinked in surprise. Didn't Mohammed think of him as best friends? Slowly he lowered his head a little, as if sad. But he looked up again when Mohammed placed an arm around his shoulders.

"He's my boyfriend," said Mohammed and he leaned in to peck Jesus on his cheek teasingly, effectively blowing away any coherent thought in Jesus' mind.

"Oh." Siddhartha began to shift a little uncomfortably. "Uhm… really?"

Mohammed grinned cheekily, but nodded nonetheless, making Jesus turn beet red. That Mohammed! It was not true!! How could he say something like that!? Jesus balled his fists. Mohammed was messing with his head!

Siddhartha coughed a little. "You know," he began. "In my religion you can't have boyfriends."

Curiously Jesus looked up from his fussing. "You can't?" he asked. "Why not? Because homosexuality is a sin?"

Siddhartha shook his head. "No, because Buddhism says that you can't be enlightened if you think of earthly things like falling in love and that sort of things." He shrugged a little. "But it's not like I'm enlightened yet. I mean, if I were, then I wouldn't have stolen your bag. Eating is an earthly matter too."

Jesus blinked. "But you'll die if you don't eat."

Siddhartha nodded. "Yes, I know. But your soul will be free too, completely detached from the earth."

Mohammed frowned, a little confused. "And why would anyone want such a thing?"

"Because Buddhism says this is the ultimate form of happiness," replied Siddhartha and he smiled at the two younger boys, who nodded, though they didn't really understand.

Jesus shrugged. "I won't stop you if you're happy with it."

Mohammed smiled. "Pretty cool. I might think of it when I take back the reign in Islam.

"Thank you guys," said Siddhartha. "I won't stop you two from loving each other either."

"WE'RE JUST FRIENDS!!" yelled Jesus, thoroughly embarrassed and Mohammed burst out into another fit of giggles beside him.

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_THANK YOU FOR READING. PLEASE REVIEW AND STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER._


	9. Five cookies and two candies

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own the Bible or any of it's characters, they're owned by those who wrote the stories. Jesus, Siddhartha and Mohammed own themselves, even though they're all dead._

_Note:__ My apologies for leaving this story in the cold, I've been hiding from the mob. (kidding, I just don't have any good excuse, haha) I'm very sorry, but alas, here's my update!_

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN ALTERED! THIS WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS THE VERY LAST CHAPTER!**

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As the three friends conversed with each other about their struggles and problems in life, time passed by. So did the cookies and candies. One by one, they disappeared into the three holy men's mouths, until only five cookies and two candies remained.

"Ehm…" said Mohammed, as he regarded the last few snacks, "how are we going to divide this?"

Siddhartha shrugged. "You guys can have it, you need to grow."

But Jesus frowned. "We're not babies anymore, you know. And it's not fair if you don't get anything." he took a cookie and stared at it.

Mohammed grinned. "Tsk, tsk, Twelve-boy," he chided. "_You_ are still MY babe." The comment earned him a glare and a punch in the shoulder from his friend.

"Mo!" Jesus yelled out. "Stop harassing me!" Mohammed only laughed at his friend's blushing face.

"You're such a cutie, when you're mad at me," he teased. His response was a low grumble of death wishes.

Siddhartha cleared his throat in order to regain the attention. "Guys, what if we break the cookies and candies up? Then we'll have more to share."

"Uhm…" Mohammed scratched his head a little confused. "Isn't it still the same amount?"

Jesus shrugged. "I think Siddhartha has a point," he said. "If we break up the cookies and candies, we can give each other the same amount of cookies and candies. It's the only fair way."

"Then you wouldn't mind breaking it up for us, right honey?" said Mohammed as a slid an arm around Jesus' shoulder, which earned him another glare from the boy.

"Stop called me that," pouted Jesus. He crossed his arms over each other as if mad at his friend.

Mohammed only laughed heartedly. "But you're my cute little wife, Twelve-boy," he murmured in Jesus' ear, before he was pushed against the lush grass of the ground.

"You are a stupid sexist, Mo!" Jesus yelled as he began another struggle with Mohammed, who tried to pry his hand off of his chest. It didn't take long before Mohammed turned their rolls by flipping them around.

"Jesus, you are such a wimp," Mohammed teased. "Probably because your mom is always chastising you. You can't take on a woman anymore, even though your Father always places the woman second to the man."

Jesus sneered at him. "You have no respect for women, Mo!" he yelled. "You're just like my dad!"

Mohammed shrugged. "The difference between me and you is, that Allah grants me plenty of virgins who will all attend to me, while your Father lets you die a miserable death."

Jesus huffed. "In that case, I'm starting my own religion!"

Mohammed blinked. "You're not going to take over Christianity?" he asked, which earned him a little blink from a confused Jesus.

"Take over what? Why would I do that?" Jesus asked. "I'm not going to take over anything, I'm just going to spread my own religion with my own believes."

Mohammed laughed as he got off of Jesus. "Suit yourself, hun, but taking over is easier, I can promise you that." He grabbed the five cookies and two candies and handed them over to Jesus. "Start breaking, so we can eat!" When he had said that, he flopped down onto the grass and began to doze off.

Jesus rolled his eyes, but did as he was told. He tried asking Siddhartha to help him, but the older boy had sunk into a in deep meditation and could therefore not be reached, so he was forced to do all the labour by himself. By the time the sun had set, he was close to breaking the last crumb in his hand.

"Jesus Christ!" Jesus blinked at the voice of Mohammed shouting. "How did you do that?" the boy yelled at him and he looked around, only to find an enormous pile of cookie and candy crumbs. Behind him, he heard Siddhartha whistling.

"Wow…" Siddhartha called out. "I'm impressed. How did you do that?"

Jesus blinked in confusion. "I really don't know, I was too busy working…" he eyed Mohammed as he sent him a glare, "…while _you_ were busy SLEEPING, you lazy bum!

Even though he was mad at his friend, the boy in question just laughed it off. "You're so silly, Twelve-boy, I never forced you to do it, you took it upon yourself!" Still, he crawled over to Jesus and gave him a hug. "I'm sorry I made you mad," he murmured in his ear.

Jesus eyed him for a moment, but nodded. "Apology accepted," he said, pushing Mohammed out of his personal space, but the other boy did not let go.

"Can I hold you a little longer?" Mohammed asked as he pushed the Jesus' face in the crook of his neck. He took this opportunity to dip his head a little, smelling Jesus' hair.

Jesus frowned a little, unsure if he should allow Mohammed do this, knowing that the other boy was prone to pulling pranks on him. But he could sense no hidden motives behind his friend's request, so he allowed the small show of affection.

As the two friends closed their eyes and revelled in each other's embrace, Siddhartha quietly stood up. He put two fingers to his lips and whistled. From Nazareth's lake twelve snow-white dogs arose all with one basket attached to their back. Siddhartha then went to gather piles of cookie and candy crumbs into the baskets and each basket was filled till the edge. He smiled, impressed by Jesus' holy powers. He was sure, that more people like the three of them had been reborn; people that were special, and could change the world.

The Wheel of Time was forever, it had no end, nor beginning, it was a continuous cycle of happenings, again and again. Times of happiness and despair followed each other up. But now… finally, it was time for the light of hope to arise from the ashes of destruction again. And Siddhartha knew that these two new friends he made, along with himself, were going to be part of those who would rebuild the era of hope.

"Let's go puppies," he mouthed to his dogs. "We're going to give these to our beggar friends."

He left the two boys and eleven dogs followed him, on their way to people who needed their help.

As the two friends opened their eyes again, they noticed that Siddhartha was gone.

"Where did he go?" Mohammed asked.

Jesus shrugged. "I don't know, but he seems to have taken all the cookie and candy crumbs." He blinked when he saw one snow-white dog sitting a few inches away from him. "Fluffyball? What are you doing here? And what are you doing with that basket on your back?"

Mohammed stared at the snow-white dog that whisked his tail upon noticing his master's new friend. "Hey, the cookie and candy crumbes are in his basket!" he called out as he noticed what was inside the basket. "But… it seems to be only a bit of the pile you've made before."

Jesus frowned a little. "How strange…" he mumbled as he patted the snow-white dog that had been given to him on the day he was born.

"Fluffyball, do you think we will see Siddhartha again?"

The dog barked in response. _Perhaps, when the Wheel of Time has rounded its last cycle... _it seemed to say.

_Perhaps, when the End of Time has come..._

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**THE END.**

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Yes, I took the cheap way out and altered this chapter to give the story a half-assed ending, but I believe it is better than having no ending at all. Since I do not have the heart to continue this story anymore, due to my inspiration-source (AKA the bible I got from my elementary school) being literally taken away from me, I decided that a quick ending was the best I could offer you readers. I am truly sorry. 

I know I must be letting you down and disappointing you all. But there is nothing to be done about it, because I simply cannot continue this story anymore. Once more: **I AM SORRY.**


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